Long Live The King

July 23, 2013 at 12:29 am

I’ve seen a good number of comments today from people talking of how Kate’s 9 months of pregnancy felt a lot longer than that. To me though it passed quite quickly, the main reason being that I have absolutely no interest whatsoever. Sure I get incredibly irritated when the royal family hog the headlines and we have to see the flabbergastingly pro-Royal brown-tongue Nicholas Witchell launch into another of his preposterous missives about how great everything royal is.

But I’ve largely ignored the whole royal baby story, and that’s worked out well for me. I don’t feel like it’s dragged on forever like one of those American TV serials that started off with a unique and interesting idea but sort of lost its way after three episodes and nothing exciting really happened until the finale. No, it’s not been like that at all. Only one word I can think of describes my feelings towards the whole situation:


Despite the Royal Family being a bunch of work-shy, benefit-claiming toe-rags I wish Kate and Wills and the new sprog prince no ill will whatsoever. Any new life being brought into this world is more than worthy of warm words and celebration. Any life at all, whether that be in a slum in Mumbai, a council house in Ilford, a palace in London or a favela in Rio de Janeiro; all life is to be celebrated equally.

What I have been less than impressed with is of course the media. And I’m only going to talk about the British press because I’m not altogether that bothered by what the foreign press prints on this issue. No, Fleet Street’s ‘finest’ have been clambering all over each other to remind us:

The World Awaits the Royal Baby!”


A Nation Rejoices at the Birth of our Future King!”

Yes, I can just imagine a Bavarian pub packed to the rafters with German punters demanding the barkeep switch over to BBC World Service for a 24 hour news feed on the Royal Baby, sat on the edge of their stools in silence, eyes glued to the screen, a boorish man enters the pub asking “What’s going on?” to be met with a chorus of index fingers raised to the lips: “Shh, the kid might pop out any second.”

Let’s be honest, normal people of the world may raise a smile should they come across the news by chance. They don’t care. It’s a nice little feel-good story about a princess giving birth to a prince and they all lived happily ever after, but in the grand scheme of things it’s inconsequential. Unless he turns out to be batsh*t mental, dissolves parliament, seizes control of Britain, invades Belgium, Holland and France and enslaves half of the world from his new Flemish Castle. Highly improbable though.

And that touches on another point. I’m 28, and will either be dead or dying by the time this Prince becomes a King. So he’s inconsequential to me too, and I’m potentially one of his future subjects. And what exactly will this King, or the two between now and his reign for that matter, actually do anyway? Sit around on a throne, visit former colonial outposts and wave at kids who’ve been brainwashed into thinking they’re of some significance?

Kings, Queens, Princes, Princesses, Dukes, Duchesses, Earls, Barons and whatever other fancy titles these people all have are fantastic distractions from the real world. We can all forget about David Cameron and his Coalition government tearing apart our nation’s public institutions for the good of his private pals. We can forget about the civil war in Syria. We can forget about the messes we created in Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and Yemen. We can forget that we’re selling weapons to Bahrain, Saudi and Israel. We can forget that the NSA and GCHQ are colluding to spy against us normal civilians. We can forget that Mosques are being bombed. We can forget that a big earthquake killed hundreds in China. We can forget that Western exploitation of African resources is preventing African governments from providing their citizens with basic services. We can forget about Putin jailing his opponents in Russia. We can forget about Obama not releasing innocent men imprisoned for a decade without trial. We can forget he’s still bombing the sh*t out of Pakistan and killing innocent men, women and children. We can forget that Israel is breaching international law daily and oppressing the Palestinians. We can forget about all that.

Because Kate gave birth to a little baby boy.