Red Ed: The Secret Russian Spy

October 1, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Like you, I read the Daily Mail’s wonderfully unbiased and thoroughly researched report in to Ed Miliband’s father. It’s only right that the British people are made aware that the father of the leader of the opposition wrote of his contempt and rage for Britain at the age of just seventeen. Us decent British folk must not be fooled in to voting for a man associated with communism in any way, shape or form. Britain can do better than this, to paraphrase Ed himself.

But I fear that our beloved Daily Mail has let itself down again no doubt because, just like the BBC, it’s being infected by a violently aggressive band of left-wing fanatics. I’m fed up of these left-wing lunatics telling me that I can’t abuse Blacks, Irish or Gays in the street. What kind of Britain do we live in where a good, honest, hard-working man can’t lord it over these ethnics that invade our country looking for benefits and free healthcare? I look at the state of modern Britain, I see the Union Jack flying proudly and I weep for it. I weep for our proud flag at how pitiful we’ve become. I’m sick of hearing about ‘Human Rights’. How we need to go out of our way to accommodate cripples, how we have to grant asylum to these foreigners who lie about how their own government wants to kill them. What we need to do is round them up and slaughter them.

But I digress. What I really wanted to tell you is that I discovered evidence on my favourite online forum ‘White Britannia’, that the leader of the opposition is actually a Russian spy working that crazy vodka-drinking, tiger-hunting Putin. Yes, apparently Ed’s cousin 201 times removed, Ivan, was born in Leningrad. While young Ed was at university smoking weed and protesting against capitalism like all these stupid lefties do, he was writing to Ivan telling him how horrid Britain is and how he’d like to fulfil his father’s dream of destroying Britain. Ivan told Ed that he was fairly high up in the KGB and that he’d speak to his superiors.

Ed mysteriously booked a flight to Cuba where he met Fidel Castro’s son to begin talks with Russia, China, Cuba, Vietnam Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler’s secret love-child with the aim of concocting a plan to destroy the western world as we know it. The plan was for Ed to ingratiate himself with the Trade Unions and work his way up through the ranks of the notoriously Commie-friendly and anti-human Labour Party as a sleeper agent. The key sign for Ed to put the plan into motion was to be a large bombing on US soil. He would then begin to swiftly progress up through the ranks, recruiting other communist sympathisers along the way, and eventually take over as leader of the Labour Party.

Once there, his mission is to murder the entire Conservative Party, feed their remains to his bloodthirsty commie pals and defeat Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democrats in the election. Once in power, Ed will demolish the symbolic centres of capitalism in London with help from Osama bin Laden (who has lived in Ed’s basement since 9/11) and enforce a tyrannical regime of communism, marxism and equality. In this twisted new world, Irish, Blacks, Gays and even women will all have equal rights. Foreign people will migrate from all over the globe and enslave the white man, we’ll become the minority in our own country and Russian and Mandarin will become our official languages.

To add insult to injury, Ed will then announce that he has converted to Islam and enforce Sharia law onto the native British people. This will be the springboard for Islamic Global Domination and Russia, China, Cuba, Vietnam, Venezuela, Iran and Iraq will join forces to wipe poor defenceless Israel off the map, giving the land to the invented peoples of Palestine. Once Israel is obliterated, they will focus their attention on the USA, and force her into their submission. They will force all of the American people to convert to Islam and free all the crooked Black prisoners from death row.

And if you think that’s all bad, I haven’t even mentioned that they’ll cancel Wimbledon; ban beer, bacon and Christmas.