The Awards 2014

December 27, 2014 at 5:12 pm

As you may probably be aware by now, Nigel Farage has been named ‘Briton of the Year’ by The Times. It’s difficult to comment on this without saying something that’s already been said thousands of times today, yesterday, throughout 2014 and in fact throughout Farage’s entire political career. It would also be easy to come up with a list of other suitable contenders for ‘Briton of the Year’, but that’s already been done quite a few times today too. So I’m not going to either of those.

Nope. In the spirit of The Times’ award to Farage, I’m going to run my own little awards ceremony too – here’s hoping the victors can make it:

The Gengis Khan Award for Efforts Towards International Peace

It’s been a fantastic year for warmongers, with conflicts raging in Syria, Iraq, Libya, Myanmar, The Horn of Africa and Pakistan to name but a few, however this year saw one man rise above all of that in his efforts to promote International Peace. Truly, there wasn’t even the need for a shortlist for this award as it has been abundantly clear that no man, woman or child has done more for Peace in 2014 than Benjamin Netanyahu. I couldn’t imagine the state of the world today without his efforts in peacemaking throughout 2014.

The ‘Comical Ali’ Award for Honesty

A tough one this award given that politics, both international and domestic, has become a game of ‘Truth or Dare’ for the rich and powerful, with most opting for ‘Dare’. A rare exception to this rule was of course none other than Jeremy Hunt for his efforts towards making sure that absolutely no data gathered on the NHS was kept from the public. He’s gone above and beyond the call of duty ensuring that the gradual privatisation of the National Health System has been kept firmly off the radar too, and spectacularly attempted to increase Ambulance target times in response to the intense demand being placed on our paramedics. Oh, and he’s always available answer questions from the press and public.

The Jade Goody Award for Contribution To Positive Race Relations

This controversially-named award cannot go to any single individual, as an ensemble cast played their part in this saga. An episode that has done more for Race Relations in America this year, than any other event in history. Collectively this award goes to Darren Wilson for killing unarmed Michael Brown, Police Chief Joe Belmar  for his neutrality on the entire issue, Barack Obama for his strong, decisive actions, Jay Nixon for his efforts towards keeping the peace and of course The Grand Jury who acquitted Darren Wilson for their courage in pursuit of fairness and justice.

The Grima Wormtongue Award for Advisory Services

Dedicated to the slimy, snivelling Lord of the Rings character this award can only be destined for one man. That man is none other than Tony Blair. Let’s face it, the integrity he has displayed on a daily basis throughout 2014 has been a joy to watch. Some men try to hide the misdeeds of their past, some men admit their mistakes, other men attempt to make up for them. Not  Tony. Tony instead insists that everything he’s ever done was right. He has displayed that he’s learned from his past mistakes (even if he doesn’t admit them) by providing advisory services to dictators & corporations – presumably on how to get away with their own misdeeds.

Our lesser award winners:

  • Theresa May for her handling of the Historic Child Abuse Inquiry and management of the Home Office Passport Backlog
  • David Cameron for being David Cameron
  • UKIP for their indefatigable dedication to scapegoating
  • The BBC for their indefatigable dedication to  UKIP, Israel, Austerity and Will Gompertz
  • Jeremy Bowen, BBC Middle East Editor, for well-timed Holiday of the year
  • Kim Jong-Un wins the Sweeney Todd Award for Services to Barbers with his list of ‘Approved Haircuts’
  • The British Press for their enduring focus on the real issues at hand, such as Ed Miliband’s awkwardness
  • Mark Regev for having the most punchable face in the world

There were of course many other worthy winners in 2014, until next year though…


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