Amazon Drones: A Strange Look Into the Future…

December 2, 2013 at 8:45 pm

Well, I was checking Twitter this morning and saw the bizarre story about Amazon claiming it has the Technology ready to deliver parcels to e-Shoppers within 30 minutes of clicking ‘buy’. A few thoughts sprang to mind initially:

  1. If the delivery place is that close, open up one of those strange new-fangled things called a ‘Shop’. That way, customers will come to you, with money and they’ll buy things and take them home themselves. Genius!
  2. Are Amazon that desperate to increase their profits that they’ll do anything to get rid of the human element? I mean, drones can’t form a union or complain about working conditions?
  3. Well that was a stupid question.
  4. What else could drones do?

And it was a bit of a mixture of points 2 and 4 that led me down a metaphorical rabbit-hole, and deep into a dark, twisted and magical future world. Picture the scene: it’s 2017, you live in London (come on, as if this service would be available in the rural northern backwaters of say, Manchester), your local bookshop closed down three years ago, you need to buy a book, maybe a DVD and a Microwave. The problem is, you’ve just got home after a long, hard day at work, sat in front of the TV and watched an hour or so of adverts with the odd moment of your favourite drama interrupting them. You’ve gotten comfortable now and you don’t want to get up.

What do you do? Naturally, you summon your AmaDron 2000: “AmaDron. HERE!” All of a sudden, a  few beeps, a quiet whirring noise and the unmistakable sound of a lens focusing. The AmaDron levitates into the hair, re-adjusts it’s rotors and floats quietly towards you. The slim structure lands on your lap, carrying it’s precious cargo: the Amazon Kindle Fire 7.92.44. The latest in tablet technology with built in toothbrush and neural receptors, perfect for even the laziest of the lazy.

Of course, your Kindle Fire 7.92.44 boots itself up in milliseconds, brushes your teeth for you (why not?) and loads up your favourite app – AmaBrowze – which of course takes you to your default, and favouritist ever, web page: Amazon.com. The brightness of the screen perfectly contrasts with the darkness of the room – Amazon’s tech guys are yet to develop an app that interfaces with complex lightbulb technology – and your eyes light up. Kindle Fire 7.92.44 asks you: “What would you like to buy today?”

Of course, it’s a stupid question, AmaBrain has already tapped in to your Neural Receptors and knows that you want a Microwave, a book and a DVD. You’re still relatively new to AmaWorld, and are fairly resistant to the idea that AmaBrain has decided that books are no longer necessary, as the creativity and imagination needed to read and write prose is a distraction for the human brain. The human brain’s sole goal in life is to buy things, from Amazon.com. AmaBrain sends out an AmaJolt, a short, sharp burst of electricity which will eventually train your brain to realise that books are bad.

The DVD is no problem though, AmaBrain has decided that DVDs are like books but without the need for that pesky imagination or creativity that stops the human brain from achieving its ultimate goal. AmaBrain picks out a DVD for you. Something simple, that requires very little thought whatsoever but will placate your brain momentarily and at the same time make you want to buy more. What has it chosen? Mission Impossible 8: The Amazonian Quest, starring Tom Cruise, from the AmaFilm studios that brought you the successful Reboot – Home Alone 6: A Good Day to Buy. Yes, that will do.

Now, about the Microwave. AmaBrain has decided that while there’s nothing wrong with Microwaves, the problem is that Amazon doesn’t see them to be profitable enough so doesn’t manufacture them any more. What AmaBrain does instead, is order a month’s worth of AmaFood to be delivered fresh(ish) three times a day for just £1,000. “What a bargain!” AmaBrain tells you, and triggers a release of endorphins. “Woot for me!” you think. Sort of.

Half an hour later, and you hear the doorbell ring. It must be AmaPost! My DVD is finally here! Of course, in AmaWorld, the doorbell isn’t a request to enter, it’s more a courtesy. Don’t forget, you signed your house away to AmaHome after that AmaBrain glitch that caused you to gamble all your money away on AmaBet. AmaPost hovers in silently, places the DVD in your AmaPlay DVD player, hovers over to you, lowers your bowl of AmaGruel to your lips, tips your head back and pours the bowl down. AmaBrain tells you this tastes amazing, and releases yet more endorphins.

By now, you’re delirious with happiness. You love AmaBrain. So, so much. But what’s this? AmaBrain needs a software update. Time to sleep.

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