Amazon Drones: A Strange Look Into the Future…

December 2, 2013 at 8:45 pm

Well, I was checking Twitter this morning and saw the bizarre story about Amazon claiming it has the Technology ready to deliver parcels to e-Shoppers within 30 minutes of clicking ‘buy’. A few thoughts sprang to mind initially:

  1. If the delivery place is that close, open up one of those strange new-fangled things called a ‘Shop’. That way, customers will come to you, with money and they’ll buy things and take them home themselves. Genius!
  2. Are Amazon that desperate to increase their profits that they’ll do anything to get rid of the human element? I mean, drones can’t form a union or complain about working conditions?
  3. Well that was a stupid question.
  4. What else could drones do?

And it was a bit of a mixture of points 2 and 4 that led me down a metaphorical rabbit-hole, and deep into a dark, twisted and magical future world. Picture the scene: it’s 2017, you live in London (come on, as if this service would be available in the rural northern backwaters of say, Manchester), your local bookshop closed down three years ago, you need to buy a book, maybe a DVD and a Microwave. The problem is, you’ve just got home after a long, hard day at work, sat in front of the TV and watched an hour or so of adverts with the odd moment of your favourite drama interrupting them. You’ve gotten comfortable now and you don’t want to get up.

What do you do? Naturally, you summon your AmaDron 2000: “AmaDron. HERE!” All of a sudden, a  few beeps, a quiet whirring noise and the unmistakable sound of a lens focusing. The AmaDron levitates into the hair, re-adjusts it’s rotors and floats quietly towards you. The slim structure lands on your lap, carrying it’s precious cargo: the Amazon Kindle Fire 7.92.44. The latest in tablet technology with built in toothbrush and neural receptors, perfect for even the laziest of the lazy.

Of course, your Kindle Fire 7.92.44 boots itself up in milliseconds, brushes your teeth for you (why not?) and loads up your favourite app – AmaBrowze – which of course takes you to your default, and favouritist ever, web page: Amazon.com. The brightness of the screen perfectly contrasts with the darkness of the room – Amazon’s tech guys are yet to develop an app that interfaces with complex lightbulb technology – and your eyes light up. Kindle Fire 7.92.44 asks you: “What would you like to buy today?”

Of course, it’s a stupid question, AmaBrain has already tapped in to your Neural Receptors and knows that you want a Microwave, a book and a DVD. You’re still relatively new to AmaWorld, and are fairly resistant to the idea that AmaBrain has decided that books are no longer necessary, as the creativity and imagination needed to read and write prose is a distraction for the human brain. The human brain’s sole goal in life is to buy things, from Amazon.com. AmaBrain sends out an AmaJolt, a short, sharp burst of electricity which will eventually train your brain to realise that books are bad.

The DVD is no problem though, AmaBrain has decided that DVDs are like books but without the need for that pesky imagination or creativity that stops the human brain from achieving its ultimate goal. AmaBrain picks out a DVD for you. Something simple, that requires very little thought whatsoever but will placate your brain momentarily and at the same time make you want to buy more. What has it chosen? Mission Impossible 8: The Amazonian Quest, starring Tom Cruise, from the AmaFilm studios that brought you the successful Reboot – Home Alone 6: A Good Day to Buy. Yes, that will do.

Now, about the Microwave. AmaBrain has decided that while there’s nothing wrong with Microwaves, the problem is that Amazon doesn’t see them to be profitable enough so doesn’t manufacture them any more. What AmaBrain does instead, is order a month’s worth of AmaFood to be delivered fresh(ish) three times a day for just £1,000. “What a bargain!” AmaBrain tells you, and triggers a release of endorphins. “Woot for me!” you think. Sort of.

Half an hour later, and you hear the doorbell ring. It must be AmaPost! My DVD is finally here! Of course, in AmaWorld, the doorbell isn’t a request to enter, it’s more a courtesy. Don’t forget, you signed your house away to AmaHome after that AmaBrain glitch that caused you to gamble all your money away on AmaBet. AmaPost hovers in silently, places the DVD in your AmaPlay DVD player, hovers over to you, lowers your bowl of AmaGruel to your lips, tips your head back and pours the bowl down. AmaBrain tells you this tastes amazing, and releases yet more endorphins.

By now, you’re delirious with happiness. You love AmaBrain. So, so much. But what’s this? AmaBrain needs a software update. Time to sleep.

Red Ed: The Secret Russian Spy

October 1, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Like you, I read the Daily Mail’s wonderfully unbiased and thoroughly researched report in to Ed Miliband’s father. It’s only right that the British people are made aware that the father of the leader of the opposition wrote of his contempt and rage for Britain at the age of just seventeen. Us decent British folk must not be fooled in to voting for a man associated with communism in any way, shape or form. Britain can do better than this, to paraphrase Ed himself.

But I fear that our beloved Daily Mail has let itself down again no doubt because, just like the BBC, it’s being infected by a violently aggressive band of left-wing fanatics. I’m fed up of these left-wing lunatics telling me that I can’t abuse Blacks, Irish or Gays in the street. What kind of Britain do we live in where a good, honest, hard-working man can’t lord it over these ethnics that invade our country looking for benefits and free healthcare? I look at the state of modern Britain, I see the Union Jack flying proudly and I weep for it. I weep for our proud flag at how pitiful we’ve become. I’m sick of hearing about ‘Human Rights’. How we need to go out of our way to accommodate cripples, how we have to grant asylum to these foreigners who lie about how their own government wants to kill them. What we need to do is round them up and slaughter them.

But I digress. What I really wanted to tell you is that I discovered evidence on my favourite online forum ‘White Britannia’, that the leader of the opposition is actually a Russian spy working that crazy vodka-drinking, tiger-hunting Putin. Yes, apparently Ed’s cousin 201 times removed, Ivan, was born in Leningrad. While young Ed was at university smoking weed and protesting against capitalism like all these stupid lefties do, he was writing to Ivan telling him how horrid Britain is and how he’d like to fulfil his father’s dream of destroying Britain. Ivan told Ed that he was fairly high up in the KGB and that he’d speak to his superiors.

Ed mysteriously booked a flight to Cuba where he met Fidel Castro’s son to begin talks with Russia, China, Cuba, Vietnam Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler’s secret love-child with the aim of concocting a plan to destroy the western world as we know it. The plan was for Ed to ingratiate himself with the Trade Unions and work his way up through the ranks of the notoriously Commie-friendly and anti-human Labour Party as a sleeper agent. The key sign for Ed to put the plan into motion was to be a large bombing on US soil. He would then begin to swiftly progress up through the ranks, recruiting other communist sympathisers along the way, and eventually take over as leader of the Labour Party.

Once there, his mission is to murder the entire Conservative Party, feed their remains to his bloodthirsty commie pals and defeat Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democrats in the election. Once in power, Ed will demolish the symbolic centres of capitalism in London with help from Osama bin Laden (who has lived in Ed’s basement since 9/11) and enforce a tyrannical regime of communism, marxism and equality. In this twisted new world, Irish, Blacks, Gays and even women will all have equal rights. Foreign people will migrate from all over the globe and enslave the white man, we’ll become the minority in our own country and Russian and Mandarin will become our official languages.

To add insult to injury, Ed will then announce that he has converted to Islam and enforce Sharia law onto the native British people. This will be the springboard for Islamic Global Domination and Russia, China, Cuba, Vietnam, Venezuela, Iran and Iraq will join forces to wipe poor defenceless Israel off the map, giving the land to the invented peoples of Palestine. Once Israel is obliterated, they will focus their attention on the USA, and force her into their submission. They will force all of the American people to convert to Islam and free all the crooked Black prisoners from death row.

And if you think that’s all bad, I haven’t even mentioned that they’ll cancel Wimbledon; ban beer, bacon and Christmas.

The Cold Room

August 4, 2013 at 11:52 pm

The room was cold and dark. I tried to look around, shivering, but couldn’t see anything. I felt my way around the edge of the room, the walls were cool, harsh concrete. Though I couldn’t be certain, the room seemed to be the shape of a cube. A distant whirring noise penetrated the walls, reaching my eardrums. The lack of light was heightening my other senses and putting me on edge. I couldn’t recall how I ended up in this room, but I sensed it probably wasn’t by choice. At least not my choice anyway.

Then a flash of brilliant white light assaulted my eyes, as if it were punishing them for just being open. I shut them, but the light passed through my crumpled eyelids as if they weren’t there. I covered my eyes with the back of my hand and made an attempt to open them, squinting hard desperate to keep the fury of the light out yet sneak a peek. As much as I tried, I failed. The light was too bright, a burning sensation enveloped my retinas no sooner than they were exposed.

As my raised arm began to tire I switched, raising my right arm to cover my precious eyes, dropping my left arm to rest it. My left arm brushed past the skin on my ribcage, wasn’t I wearing a top? Was I even wearing any clothes? Apparently not. With the brilliant white light beaming down on me, I shrivelled up into a ball of naked flesh and began shivering. The room was no longer cold, the light had raised the temperature significantly in the few moments that it had been on. I was now shivering through fear.

As if recognising my fear, and achieving its goal, the light flicked off as sharply as it had flicked on.

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